January 2012
So I have this bruise that looks like a blueberry cause I tripped over the metal bar under the lunch table while throwing away my wrapper to my special k bar.
Real nigs wsup.
So this senior and sophomore in my class were talking over my desk about their love life so I was forced to hear everything. Then after the senior was like “did you hear our convo?” And he’s ghetto right
oh
my
gosh
I was scared for ma life.
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I’m already disappointed in myself for missing you in such short time notice. It really bothers me how all my feelings could be completely different from yours. I already miss my bestfriend, but do you even miss me?
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It’s weird how I really do miss talking to you. I feel like it’s awkward or not the same between us but I know my feelings are still there for you. It sucks.
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I really do miss having you in my life. Not cause you were funny or entertaining, but because I was able to talk to you about anything and everything knowing we’d laugh it off and keep it between us.
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I am so depressed cause of the salon lady that cut my hair.
I said please keep the length.
She chops off 3 in.
Ya that’s totally what I meant.
December 2011
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Me: so when do you plan to lose your v card?
Cousin:
Me:
Cousin:
Me:
Cousin: ......my visa card?
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It’s what you’ve said that has bothered me most. One thing after another, one thing here and the next it’s gone. One thing broken and shattered and never able to be replaced.
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It’s hard to believe that I actually could stand to be in your presence at 1 moment. I straight up cannot take standing next to you let alone even looking at you now.
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I guess I’ve decided to let go of what I’ve really wanted. Of course it bothers me, but it’s for the best. Why hope for a future that may never happen?
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You have that constant fear of rejection, that everybody will hurt you, that you’re not good enough. You come off as careless when on the inside you feel like a coward cause you can’t get yourself to fight for what you want. Why?
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I wish I could really condense my feelings into a whole bubble and have you know how I feel. But then again I’m content with keeping every bit to myself. Sorta.
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It’s not that I can’t compare how my feelings for you right now to how it should be, it’s the idea that I have to consider that rather than know it. It’s a bit confusing and a whole lot of a mess but I guess I’ll just keep it to myself as usual.
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I like how close we are. It’s a comfortable feeling and I love being able to tell you anything knowing that you’ll keep it to yourself.
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It’s not that I’ve lost hope, it’s just that I don’t care anymore. I shouldn’t wait around for something that may never happen despite that lingering feeling I still have towards you. It’ll wash away and so will my presence. I think.
Those Christmas vibes that are careless and chill while you’re sitting around the Christmas tree with people you love and all you’re doing is acting stupid and laughing.
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It’s funny how you’d actually think I’d take my time and put it to use towards you. Get over yourself and realize that I no longer care for you. You had your chance.
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I mean of course I wanna wait for you, but I’m faced with the facts that it might not even happen. I want it to happen, you don’t know how much I do. It’s the waiting that kills me.
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I mean I do really find you utterly repulsive and irritating and you seem to push everybody away cause of your issues to yourself. But then again I could be wrong. Then again I could be right.
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I’m just tired. Mentally, physically. Tired. Tired of all these emotions, tired of all this drama, and tired of all this work load I’m getting. I’m stressed out to the point where I dream about taking my exams and wake up the next day worrying about my schoolwork. I’m tired to the point where when I wake up it’s felt like a 5 min nap. I’m tired inside and out.
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You know what your problem is? You’re constantly flirting. You blame other people for your actions when you know you’re the one flirting. I tell you straight up and you still continue your flirting. You really don’t know when to stop huh? You really don’t ever set your boundaries straight huh? Yeah I thought so.
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I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just in denial with myself because I know it’ll be for the best. Of course I still feel the same way, maybe even more. It’s really nothing, really. Well maybe it’s more than something, but I would never let you know that.
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Having those mixed up thoughts on whether to go for it or not. I mean I want to, but I can’t. I won’t let myself. But then again…
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I’ve forced myself to not care. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m saving myself all this regret now. I know how things are gonna end, and I’d rather not stick around for the ending.
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I don’t get why I feel this way. This hint of jealousy? Impossible. I find it hard to believe that I’d have this emotion in me. It’s wrong and completely unacceptable cause I have to face the facts that it’s not gonna happen.